You’re in the grocery store and reach for the thing they always liked. For a second, your body remembers the routine before your mind remembers the loss. Later that day, you laugh at something a friend says. Both moments belong to the same day.
Grief can make that hard to understand. You might wonder if a good afternoon means you’re forgetting someone, or if a hard morning means you’re back where you started. There’s a way of thinking about grief that gives both moments somewhere to go.
What does it mean to grow around grief?
In 1996, bereavement counsellor Lois Tonkin described growing around grief. Picture a circle for the grief and another circle around it for the rest of your life. Early on, those circles may feel almost the same size. As time goes on, the outer circle may get bigger. A friendship deepens, a routine becomes familiar, or you find something you look forward to. The inner circle can still be there.
It’s a metaphor. The circles can look different from one person to the next, and even from one week to the next. On an anniversary, a quiet Sunday, or an ordinary trip to the grocery store, grief may take up more room again.
A hard day can sit beside a good one
In a separate model, Margaret Stroebe and Henk Schut describe how people may move between attending to the loss and attending to the changes of everyday life. You might spend the morning looking at photos and the afternoon figuring out what’s for dinner. There can be room for both, even when the switch feels sudden.
What making room might look like
Keep something familiar. You might cook their recipe, say their name, or tell a story to someone who knew them.
Ask for one concrete thing. “Can you come for a walk?” can be easier to answer than “Can you help me?”
Let a small moment count. A few minutes outside or a laugh with a friend can be welcome on a day that still hurts.
Any of these can feel right on one day and out of reach on another. You get to decide what fits you, your relationship, and the ways your family or community makes sense of loss.
When you’d like someone alongside you
You can ask for support at any point after a loss. If grief feels hard to carry or everyday life has become difficult to manage, a mental health professional can help you make sense of what you’re experiencing. The American Psychiatric Association has information on prolonged grief disorder and when an assessment may help.
If you’d like to talk about what support could look like, explore grief counselling at Analea Studio or book a free consult.
References
Tonkin, L. (1996). Growing around grief. Bereavement Care, 15(1), 10.
Stroebe, M., & Schut, H. (1999). The dual process model of coping with bereavement. Death Studies, 23(3), 197–224.
American Psychiatric Association. Prolonged grief disorder.
